Monday, October 11, 2010

Pointers for Anything Involving Turkeys

  • Stand back
  • Shake whatever turkey is in hand
  • Just in case, repeat 2 if applicable (turkey remains in hand)
  • Wash hands
  • Cook it, or bury it, or try a combination
  • Either will result in: all turkeys being on to you
  • Confusing the turkeys will not work
  • Ruses generally will not work
  • Disguises do not work (unless + scent mask, then only sometimes however)
  • Costumes have limited effectiveness
  • Feigning disinterest works until they are on to you
  • Unless they were originally feigning too
  • Do not try to hide whatever it is they are looking for (if you have it)
  • Offer it to appease them or throw it out to distract them (if possible)
  • Don't be hopeful
  • Cars are typically safe
  • The house is not always safe but usually it is safe
  • A tall fence does not help the house to be safe
  • Doorknobs are favorable
  • Handles are not
  • Low handles are especially not
  • A house breach usually signifies the end, unless there are fortified rooms
  • It is not a good time to get distracted by your phone
  • If they blitz you and still you manage to get inside and lock the door and everyone else has fled or was taken out, and all you have is a bottle of brandy and an ambien, just be thankful that you've got em and try to go to sleep if you can ignore the scratching and calling and general horror, also write what you can on the white-painted wood of the wall with the sharpie stored under the sink for this purpose; it is the turkey reckoning so you'd better come up with a clever line by which to be remembered in the human resistance
  • Ambien dreams can be pretty cool but in your dreams, don't open anything
  • When you wake in the morning and they are gone, the area will need a good cleaning
  • Welcome to the new world order

high-ranking turkeys, surveying

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